My Protest

Yesterday my little girl and I were spending night in Banyuning, in the house where I grew up. My  sister was watching Korean drama intensively and I sat down next to her. She said the drama was so funny, but what I saw at that time was not funny scene, it was a touching scene that made me recall many things that had happened in that house. The drama reminded me on something that I said and felt to my mother.

The scene in that drama showed a man, who would get married the next morning, was talking to his grandmother. He said to his ill grandmother that she was his first love, he felt she was his real mother, he loved her more than his own mother. He asked her to stay healthy and take care his children later so the children grow up to be good ones like him. This scene made my tears  fall down and l left my sister.

The scene made me remember the moment with my mother. At that time I was in my first pregnancy and my mother was ill. She suffered from cancer. She was getting weak day by day and kept on saying that she would die soon, she would die soon, on and on, until I decided to protest to her.

I clearly remember what I said to her. I said, "Mom, you keep on saying you will die soon,  have you ever thought about us? We have done our best for you, we take care of you, we never give up, we always pray for your health, we have positive belief that with our love, effort, and pray, miracle will happen and you will be healthy soon." She was just silent and I saw her tears fell down. I continued, "You have been through several surgeries  and the doctors including my husband said it is good for you to consume rice now, but you do not pay attention to their advice, you always ask porridge as what suggested by your brothers and sisters, they are not doctor, mom, porridge just make you weak." "Well, you keep saying you will die soon, don't you think about me? I am pregnant. This is my first one, seventh month already and it will due in two months. Come on, you will have grandson in  two months, mom. Who should I count on when I deliver my baby? I need you, this is my first time, I need your guide, your advice, your presence at the time I deliver this baby.  I want you to take care my baby as what you always do to me." I could not hold my tears back and I saw she was crying in silent, then I decided to left her room, go to my room and cry.

I felt released, felt free after that incident. I let her know what I had felt for several months. I hoped she would be motivated to fight against her cancer, appreciate what her family had done to her, and had passion to see her grandson to be. However, she ignored me, she ignored everything that I said to her. She died two days after that day.