Good Bye, My Dear

Losing you was the most terrible moment in my life. I was just like a crazy woman who smiled and cried and did not care about anything else except you. I smiled remembering I was so happy when I knew I had you inside me. Then I could not stop my tears fell down remembering when the doctor said you did not develop well and that I pobably lost you forever. I cried and thought I just wanted to be disappear from this world. You gave me hope and became a part of me, but then you went away without greeting. I love you although we had never met each other. 

Messy Class

The first meeting of Writing 2 course was held in a very messy classroom. When I entered the classroom, I was happy there were only 21 students in this class. It means that I can focus on their writing and assist them to produce good English paragraphs. However, when I looked around the room, I was disappointed that the room was so dirty.  The floor, the table, and the desks were covered by dust. The dustbin was full. Next to the door, there was a broken lecturer table. At the back of the class, there were so many broken students' desk. How can students feel comfortable learning in the classroom?  Why don't the cleaning services do their job? Why don't the students have an initiative to clean the room to have better environment?  This should not be last long, an action should be taken.

My Baby's Due Date

               June 9, 2015, is my baby's due date, but he/she is still here, in my womb. I am still active. In the morning I walk 45 minutes, then I cooked, the menu was pork with onion season, fuyung hai, fried vegetable consisted of carrot, cabbage, and stringbean. I also prepared boiled  eggs and soup for the kids. The cooking sesion was continued by some activities like feeding my daughter, peeling and cutting papaya, and taking a bath. Then, I continued making paper for conference, the due date of that paper is today. I have already sent my 3.946 words paper. I thought I would be tired and sleepy after that, in fact I was not, I decided to iron the clothes and dried the laundry from the washing machine. The time went by, late afternoon already, the time for helping my kids taking a bath, feeding them, playing, and accompanying them to sleep. Then I had my dinner, prayed, and waited my husband came home from his practice, he is a general practitioner. He arrived at home at 9pm as usual. I told him everything was fine. There is no sign the baby will meet us soon. This moment is almost 2 am on June 10, 2015, My kids are sleeping, I am writing, and my husband is playing guitar and singing next to me. We do not know when the baby will be born, but we are sure no pregnancy last forever.

I Killed Them

Most people want their dream or wish comes true.  Most people will be very happy when they get everything they ask for. I have made some wishes and those wishes came true, but I was not happy. I regretted them. I thought because of my wishes some God's creatures died.

Once in  my life, I wished that I wanted to have a puppy, just a puppy. What happen in reality was I really had a puppy, and several months  later, when it grew up, it died. Next, I had a puppy again, it was so cute, and when it grew up, it died too, and it  happened several times until I realized they might die because of me, because I wished that I just wanted to have a puppy. I was so sad because my dream came true.

Then I changed, I wanted to have a dog forever, from puppy until it was old. It became true, we enjoyed the days together. Then one day, the dog was sick and suffered, but it was still alive. I thought it was better to see it died than suffered like that. I realized it suffered because of me, because I wished I had a dog from puppy until it was old. My dog was not an old dog yet. At that time I thought my wish made it suffer, I was so sad, I regretted my wish. Then, when it finally died, I promised myself I would not take care any dog with my heart and soul anymore.

More than 15 years later, when I have 2 little kids and have a new house, I really wanted to have a dog, a friend for my kids. It was pomeranian type. When it was a puppy, it was so cute. It was really good  friend for my children. We love it. Then several months later, it died, just died, it was in the cage and died. The kids were so upset. At that time I realized I broke my own promise that I made several years ago. Taking care a dog with my heart made that dog die.

These experiences made me feel that I was so blessed, everything that I wished came true. I wished I had puppies, it was granted several times, I wished to have more than a puppy, it was granted too. I was blessed but I was not happy because the dogs died. I thought I, my wishes, and my promise,  had killed them. 

My Protest

Yesterday my little girl and I were spending night in Banyuning, in the house where I grew up. My  sister was watching Korean drama intensively and I sat down next to her. She said the drama was so funny, but what I saw at that time was not funny scene, it was a touching scene that made me recall many things that had happened in that house. The drama reminded me on something that I said and felt to my mother.

The scene in that drama showed a man, who would get married the next morning, was talking to his grandmother. He said to his ill grandmother that she was his first love, he felt she was his real mother, he loved her more than his own mother. He asked her to stay healthy and take care his children later so the children grow up to be good ones like him. This scene made my tears  fall down and l left my sister.

The scene made me remember the moment with my mother. At that time I was in my first pregnancy and my mother was ill. She suffered from cancer. She was getting weak day by day and kept on saying that she would die soon, she would die soon, on and on, until I decided to protest to her.

I clearly remember what I said to her. I said, "Mom, you keep on saying you will die soon,  have you ever thought about us? We have done our best for you, we take care of you, we never give up, we always pray for your health, we have positive belief that with our love, effort, and pray, miracle will happen and you will be healthy soon." She was just silent and I saw her tears fell down. I continued, "You have been through several surgeries  and the doctors including my husband said it is good for you to consume rice now, but you do not pay attention to their advice, you always ask porridge as what suggested by your brothers and sisters, they are not doctor, mom, porridge just make you weak." "Well, you keep saying you will die soon, don't you think about me? I am pregnant. This is my first one, seventh month already and it will due in two months. Come on, you will have grandson in  two months, mom. Who should I count on when I deliver my baby? I need you, this is my first time, I need your guide, your advice, your presence at the time I deliver this baby.  I want you to take care my baby as what you always do to me." I could not hold my tears back and I saw she was crying in silent, then I decided to left her room, go to my room and cry.

I felt released, felt free after that incident. I let her know what I had felt for several months. I hoped she would be motivated to fight against her cancer, appreciate what her family had done to her, and had passion to see her grandson to be. However, she ignored me, she ignored everything that I said to her. She died two days after that day.

Wrong Uniform Again

         People say "You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time, it is  not a mistake, it is a choice". Well, it is  not true.  I did it,  I made my second mistake that Thursday. It was not my choice, I truly forgot it. I thought that day was Wednesday, in fact, it was Thursday. I made my son wore wrong uniform, what a bad day for him. The uniform for Thursday shoud be white shirt, green short, and a tie, but I prepared and made him wear his sport uniform. I just realized it in front of his kindergarden school. I said to his teacher, "It's my fault, he is wearing sport uniform today. " Then I asked my son, "Is it OK, dear?" He did not answer, but the the teacher said, "It's OK, mom." I saw my son entered the gate of the school and met his friends, and I went to campus with full of regret in  my heart. What a fool morning, I promise myself to be more aware of the day. 

Romantic or Realistic Man

         I am now in my seventh month pregnancy for my third baby. As a pregnancy woman, I find myself easily get tired, have backache, experience more active baby inside my belly, etc. What is expected by common pregnancy women is more attention given by their husband. So do I. Actually I expect romantic moment every time I say something about what I feel, but what happen in reality is not always as what I expect. 

            When my husband sees me a bit tired, he immediately asks me to stop doing the household and take a rest by sitting or lying in my bed. That is nice. I just feel like a princess. It is so romantic for me. This is my fourth pregnancy for our third child, but he still treats me like a princess. 

          On the contrary in another occasion, when I say I cannot sleep because I had terrible backache, he becomes so realistic. Actually I expect he will offer me to massage my back to ease the pain and build chemistry between us, instead, he just states that my body needs calcium and then he tries to find one. It is disappointing, actually, but that is what he supposes to do. He is a doctor and just treat me as a patient to make me and the baby find. Romantic man is disappear and realistic man is in front of me.

           Recently, the baby inside my uterus is more and more active. When I feel the movement of the baby, I expect he is so excited too, in fact, he is not always excited. Sometimes he is so curious and keeps asking me whether the baby is active or not, but sometimes when I am so excited telling him the baby is doing brigdance inside, his response is not as what I expect, just nodding his head, for example, or saying that it is a good sign, the baby is healthy. There is no consistency become romantic or realistic man. 

             Although this is my fourth pregnancy for the third baby, I still expect my husband treat me like a princess. However, everthing is not always as what I expect. Sometimes he is so romantic; sometimes he is so realistic. When I feel he is so romantic, I enjoy the moment, but when he is so realistic, I try to put my feet in his shoes and do any suggestion from him as my private doctor.

                

                

Two Years Break

Two Years Break

This is the first time I write again in this blog after two years absence. Whaaattttt??? two years? I was wondering what I have done in this two years. I plan to write more often from now. Hopefully I can manage my time well. Cheers