I Killed Them

Most people want their dream or wish comes true.  Most people will be very happy when they get everything they ask for. I have made some wishes and those wishes came true, but I was not happy. I regretted them. I thought because of my wishes some God's creatures died.

Once in  my life, I wished that I wanted to have a puppy, just a puppy. What happen in reality was I really had a puppy, and several months  later, when it grew up, it died. Next, I had a puppy again, it was so cute, and when it grew up, it died too, and it  happened several times until I realized they might die because of me, because I wished that I just wanted to have a puppy. I was so sad because my dream came true.

Then I changed, I wanted to have a dog forever, from puppy until it was old. It became true, we enjoyed the days together. Then one day, the dog was sick and suffered, but it was still alive. I thought it was better to see it died than suffered like that. I realized it suffered because of me, because I wished I had a dog from puppy until it was old. My dog was not an old dog yet. At that time I thought my wish made it suffer, I was so sad, I regretted my wish. Then, when it finally died, I promised myself I would not take care any dog with my heart and soul anymore.

More than 15 years later, when I have 2 little kids and have a new house, I really wanted to have a dog, a friend for my kids. It was pomeranian type. When it was a puppy, it was so cute. It was really good  friend for my children. We love it. Then several months later, it died, just died, it was in the cage and died. The kids were so upset. At that time I realized I broke my own promise that I made several years ago. Taking care a dog with my heart made that dog die.

These experiences made me feel that I was so blessed, everything that I wished came true. I wished I had puppies, it was granted several times, I wished to have more than a puppy, it was granted too. I was blessed but I was not happy because the dogs died. I thought I, my wishes, and my promise,  had killed them. 

My Protest

Yesterday my little girl and I were spending night in Banyuning, in the house where I grew up. My  sister was watching Korean drama intensively and I sat down next to her. She said the drama was so funny, but what I saw at that time was not funny scene, it was a touching scene that made me recall many things that had happened in that house. The drama reminded me on something that I said and felt to my mother.

The scene in that drama showed a man, who would get married the next morning, was talking to his grandmother. He said to his ill grandmother that she was his first love, he felt she was his real mother, he loved her more than his own mother. He asked her to stay healthy and take care his children later so the children grow up to be good ones like him. This scene made my tears  fall down and l left my sister.

The scene made me remember the moment with my mother. At that time I was in my first pregnancy and my mother was ill. She suffered from cancer. She was getting weak day by day and kept on saying that she would die soon, she would die soon, on and on, until I decided to protest to her.

I clearly remember what I said to her. I said, "Mom, you keep on saying you will die soon,  have you ever thought about us? We have done our best for you, we take care of you, we never give up, we always pray for your health, we have positive belief that with our love, effort, and pray, miracle will happen and you will be healthy soon." She was just silent and I saw her tears fell down. I continued, "You have been through several surgeries  and the doctors including my husband said it is good for you to consume rice now, but you do not pay attention to their advice, you always ask porridge as what suggested by your brothers and sisters, they are not doctor, mom, porridge just make you weak." "Well, you keep saying you will die soon, don't you think about me? I am pregnant. This is my first one, seventh month already and it will due in two months. Come on, you will have grandson in  two months, mom. Who should I count on when I deliver my baby? I need you, this is my first time, I need your guide, your advice, your presence at the time I deliver this baby.  I want you to take care my baby as what you always do to me." I could not hold my tears back and I saw she was crying in silent, then I decided to left her room, go to my room and cry.

I felt released, felt free after that incident. I let her know what I had felt for several months. I hoped she would be motivated to fight against her cancer, appreciate what her family had done to her, and had passion to see her grandson to be. However, she ignored me, she ignored everything that I said to her. She died two days after that day.